World’s Third-Largest Oil Deposit Discovered in Massive Pothole on Highway 99E in Canby

Canby has quickly become a major player on the geopolitical stage after the surprise discovery of one of the world’s largest reserves of crude oil in a large pothole on Highway 99E last week.

The stunning find was made by local farmer Beverly Hill and her husband, Billy, who were making a run to the Wilco store when the front passenger-side tire of their old Nissan pickup struck a pothole so huge that it cracked their suspension — then a whole lot more.

“We thought the darn oil line got cut, but then Billy yells that it was way more oil than we would have in the truck — ’specially since we ain’t had it changed since the Reagan administration,” Beverly told The Canby Current. “It was spurting up taller than a Georgia pine.”

“It was higher than a hippy in a hot air balloon,” Billy agreed.

Geologists estimate the size of the deposit is at least 65 billion barrels, which would put it at No. 3 behind Kuwait’s Burgan Field and the massive Ghawar Field in eastern Saudi Arabia — which spans more than 2,000 square miles, an area slightly larger than Delaware.

The discovery comes at an especially opportune time for the United States and its estimated 150 million commuters — who are facing record prices at the pumps thanks to historically high inflation and the war in Ukraine, which triggered a boycott of Russian oil and gas by Western countries.

“The energy crisis is solved,” President Joe Biden said, speaking to a crowd of over 23 socially distanced listeners in a major speech from the iconic Wait Park gazebo Wednesday morning.

“The American people offer their gratitude to Kimberly Hall and the entire city of Cambodia for making the dream of energy independence finally come true.”

The White House press office later clarified that the president meant to say “Beverly Hill” and “Canby,” and that the statement “the energy crisis is solved” was intended to be metaphorical, while the Cambodian prime minister sought to distance himself from Biden’s remarks.

While Democrats and independents tended to greet the news optimistically, those from the other side of the aisle had their own spin.

“If I was still your President, the Canby Oil Reserves would be twice as Big and would smell like the finest Belarusian Chocolate,” former President Donald J. Trump boasted in a faxed statement to a confused editor at the Canby News, which is located in Canby, Minnesota.

“We all know the Radical Left Democrats will only squander this find and Use it to power their windmills and Electric Cars.”

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