Police Investigate Suspicious Man for Being the Worst

The Canby Police Department is investigating a suspicious man, officials confirmed, who is suspected of numerous acts that, if not necessarily illegal, are certainly dickish to a fault.

The man was reportedly seen last week, sitting in a park by himself and smelling his fingers with a weird look on his face.

There are whispers that he often orders an absurd amount of food from local restaurants — like, way more food than anyone would ever need — and never picks it up.

Trustworthy reports suggest he goes to Panda Express every week and tells them they’re mispronouncing “General Tso.” And, according to sources, he often stands in line at Taco Bell just to fart. Then he leaves.

At least one witness has reported seeing this suspicious man take a stick of deodorant off the shelf, remove the cap, try it on, then put it back on the shelf. City officials claim he has destroyed more public bathrooms than Hurricane Irma.

He doesn’t like puppies. But he has been seen walking a ferret. It is also reported that he does not own a ferret.

The man is described as being relatively sort of young, heavyset and “visually unkempt,” with glasses and a beard that he for some reason believes to be attractive. He is often seen dressing like a Portland lumberjack cosplaying as a comic book nerd.

When he was a senior in high school, he was known as “Captain Swirly” because of how many kindergartners’ heads he dunked in the toilet.

He says he is not afraid of Covid-19 because the other 18 Covids didn’t get him, so why worry?

On July 11, he goes into 7/11 and demands a free Slurpee because it’s his birthday. They give out free Slurpees on that day, because it’s 7/11, but he demands that they say, specifically, that it’s for his birthday.

He always tells people that he’s broken his elbow three times even though all of his friends and family say they have only seen him break it twice — including people that have known him his entire life.

Also, I know you ate my sandwich, Tyler. It was in the office fridge and it had my name on it, why did you eat it?

Anyway, that’s basically what I’m saying with this story: Tyler Clawson is the absolute worst.

Help us build a sustainable news organization to serve Canby for generations to come! Let us know if you can support our efforts to expand our operations and keep all of our content paywall-free. #SwimWithTheCurrent!