Bird Documentary with Unfortunate Name Sparks Controversy

More controversy at the Canby City Council this week, after local residents appeared during public comment to complain about an ornithological documentary that has been popular with local teens — for all the wrong reasons.

It’s called Tits of the World — but not for the reason you’re thinking of, you pervert. The documentary is about tits — the family of small birds that are widespread in the Northern Hemisphere and parts of Africa.

In the United States, the birds are more commonly known as “chickadees” — for obvious reasons — but this particular series was made by BBC, and Brits tend to be slower on the uptake for hilarious puns like this. Or more mature, whatever.

Local mother Melanie Grant was the first to raise concerns about the DVD when her (presumably very disappointed) 16-year-old son checked it out last week, evidently for reasons other than an interest in avian science.

“Tits come in all shapes and sizes, every one of them unique and worth looking at,” said Grant, reading aloud a transcript of the documentary’s introductory monologue. “A world without tits would be a world without color and song. Tits, flying free, make the world go round.”

Grant then recited a list of some of the species featured in the DVD.

“Great tits, elegant tits, blue tits, varied tits, mountain tits, Mexican tits, fire-capped tits, sultan tits, yellow-bellied tits and cinnamon-breasted tits,” said Grant. “Now, imagine those are boobs, and maybe you’ll understand why we are so upset about this.”

The real documentary, which is 100% real.

Councilor Mark Brady, while saying he understood the parents’ concerns, pointed out that the word used by BBC is the official name of this particular family of birds — and has been in use since at least the 14th century.

“Look, kids will always find things to giggle about,” Brady said. “I did the same thing when I was a kid. It’s just human nature. I just don’t think we should be getting all bent out of shape over something this nipple — uh, I mean, simple!”

But it was too late; his entire point had been undermined. No other elected official tried to talk sense that night, for fear of similar humiliation.

“Look, I get that these are ‘bird terms’ or whatever,” local dissident Jeb Hawthorn said, using air quotes. “But last time I checked, there aren’t any birds in the Canby Public Library. If any birds out there want to get their jollies off, they’re welcome to buy, borrow or steal this movie to their heart’s content. Just leave me and my children out of it.”

Several parents described the documentary as pornography (which, to be fair, it does feature a section on mating habits) and demanded that drastic action be taken.

“If we can’t keep this filth out of our library, then maybe we shouldn’t have a library,” said Hawthorn. “I wasn’t allowed in the library when I was growing up, and I turned out just fine. With all the money we’re wasting on boob books, I’m sure could be put to good use in the road maintenance budget.”

Though few councilors seemed in support of defunding the library, they agreed to revisit the subject in a later work session with library staff.

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