PORTLAND, Ore. – In a city known for quirky solutions to civic challenges, Portland has unveiled its most eccentric program yet: Adopt-a-Screamer. The initiative invites residents and tourists to sponsor their favorite downtown sidewalk shouters, offering what officials describe as a new way to “humanize the chaos.”
How It Works
Launched this week, the program provides participants with a rotating catalog of Portland’s most passionate street yellers. For $49.99 per month, adopters receive:
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A laminated photo of their chosen screamer
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A biography outlining their most common rant topics
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A personalized audio recording to enjoy at home
Sponsors are also encouraged to visit downtown during “peak performance hours,” bringing snacks and offering encouragement. Those who subscribe to the premium tier gain access to custom rants—including requests like “screaming my ex’s name outside Powell’s for 15 minutes.”
“Some people sponsor endangered owls. Others sponsor children overseas. Here in Portland, you can sponsor a man who yells at the sky about invisible drones for 12 hours a day,” explained City Commissioner Brian Alton. “It’s about building community.”
A City Divided
Unsurprisingly, the initiative has stirred mixed reactions.
Local resident Megan Trout is among the program’s early supporters.
“I love my screamer,” she said. “He greets me every morning by yelling that pigeons are government spies. It’s way better than coffee.”
But others are less amused.
“I can’t even walk to work without tripping over three adoption booths,” one commuter complained. “It’s like the Humane Society, but with more tinfoil hats.”
Critics accuse city leaders of “monetizing insanity,” while supporters say the program fosters empathy and adds a uniquely Portland twist to street life.
Rapid Growth
Despite the controversy, city officials say the program has already surpassed expectations. More than 2,000 screamers have been matched with sponsors in its first week alone. Officials predict continued growth as Portlanders warm to the idea of having a personal screamer.
“We’ve proven people want connection—even if it’s with someone screaming about alien surveillance,” Alton said.
What’s Next
If Adopt-a-Screamer succeeds, Portland plans to expand the model with new offerings:
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Rent-a-Prophet, pairing residents with doomsayers for climate rallies
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Sponsor-a-Cart-Pusher, offering grocery deliveries via erratic sidewalk chases
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Adopt-a-Conspiracy, where donors fund pamphlet printing for their favorite urban prophet
Alton framed the program as more than just social services.
“We’re not just solving homelessness,” he said. “We’re transforming downtown Portland into the nation’s first open-air adoption fair.”
Portland’s Latest Oddity
For a city that embraces eccentricity, Adopt-a-Screamer may prove to be the most Portland idea yet. Whether viewed as compassion, satire, or exploitation, one thing is certain: the city has found a way to turn its street culture into a new kind of community engagement—one monthly subscription at a time.
