Emotional intelligence (EQ) has become a defining skill in both professional and personal settings. Unlike IQ, which measures cognitive abilities, emotional intelligence determines how well a person understands, manages, and expresses emotions—both their own and those of others. Research in psychology and leadership studies consistently shows that people with high emotional intelligence experience stronger workplace success, better relationships, and lower stress.
However, low emotional intelligence shows itself quite clearly, often without the person realising it. One of the clearest indicators is language. Words not only communicate thoughts but also reflect the emotional awareness behind them. According to research highlighted by experts affiliated with Harvard, people with low emotional intelligence tend to use common but harmful phrases in conversations that undermine trust, empathy, and collaboration.
This article explores four phrases that reveal low emotional intelligence, why they are damaging, and what alternatives can encourage healthier interactions.
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Defining Emotional Intelligence
Before delving into the specific phrases, it is essential to understand the fundamentals of emotional intelligence. Psychologist Daniel Goleman popularised the concept, breaking it down into five core components:
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Self-awareness – recognising one’s own emotions.
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Self-regulation – managing emotions effectively.
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Motivation – using emotions to pursue goals positively.
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Empathy – understanding the emotions of others.
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Social skills – managing relationships with sensitivity and respect.
People with low EQ lack the ability to see how their words affect others. This often results in dismissive, defensive, or undermining comments—phrases that expose their limited emotional understanding.
The Four Phrases of Low Emotional Intelligence
1. “You’re Overreacting”
This is a classic example of emotional invalidation. When someone expresses distress, frustration, or hurt, dismissing it as “overreacting” sends the message that their emotions are excessive and unnecessary.
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Why it signals low EQ:
Emotional intelligence involves recognising and respecting other people’s emotional landscapes. By using this phrase, the speaker avoids empathy and places blame on the other person’s feelings, reducing trust in the relationship. -
A good alternative:
Instead of invalidating, try saying, “I see this is really important to you. Can we talk about it?” This acknowledges emotional reality while opening space for discussion.
2. “It’s Not a Big Deal”
At first glance, this may seem reassuring. However, in reality, phrases like this trivialise another person’s concerns. What may appear minor to one person could be deeply overwhelming to another.
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Why it signals low EQ:
Low EQ individuals often fail to take perspective. This phrase assumes universal emotional responses instead of appreciating individual differences. It strips away validation and makes the listener feel unseen. -
A good alternative:
Saying, “I may not fully understand how serious this feels to you, but I want to listen” demonstrates respect and consideration.
3. “That’s Just the Way I Am”
This phrase functions as an emotional escape clause. Rather than taking responsibility for behaviour, people use it to justify poor communication, defensiveness, or insensitivity.
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Why it signals low EQ:
Emotional intelligence involves adaptability and growth. Saying “That’s just the way I am” highlights an unwillingness to reflect or change, placing the burden of adjustment entirely on others. -
A good alternative:
“I realise I might have come across harshly. Let me try to rephrase” shows accountability and a willingness to adjust behaviour.
4. “You Always…” or “You Never…”
Sweeping statements like these reflect an inability to separate a single instance from a person’s broader character. In emotionally charged situations, they escalate conflict instead of resolving it.
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Why it signals low EQ:
People with low emotional intelligence tend to generalise and overstate grievances. This damages trust and fosters resentment instead of encouraging constructive dialogue. -
A good alternative:
Use specific observations such as, “In this situation, I felt… when this happened.” This focuses on the event, not an identity label.
Table: Comparing Low EQ vs High EQ Phrases
| Context | Low EQ Phrase | High EQ Alternative |
|---|---|---|
| Responding to distress | “You’re overreacting” | “I can see this matters a lot to you. Let’s talk through it.” |
| Trivialising concerns | “It’s not a big deal” | “I may not feel it the same way, but I understand it’s meaningful to you.” |
| Avoiding responsibility | “That’s just the way I am” | “I see how that affected you, let me adjust my approach.” |
| Generalising conflict | “You always…” / “You never…” | “In this specific moment, I felt… when this happened.” |
Broader Consequences of Low Emotional Intelligence Language
Using these phrases repeatedly creates an emotional climate that can be damaging in personal and professional environments. At work, it leads to less collaboration, more conflicts, and lower morale. In personal relationships, it breeds resentment and distance. Over time, individuals who cannot manage or validate others’ emotions risk creating toxic patterns that undermine communication entirely.
Employers increasingly rate emotional intelligence as a key leadership quality. Harvard research highlights that while technical expertise matters, people who cannot regulate their speech or empathise with others fail to inspire trust, making them ineffective over the long term.
Building Emotional Intelligence Through Language
Improving one’s communication style is a powerful way to raise emotional intelligence. Some strategies include:
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Active listening – focus entirely on the speaker before responding.
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Using “I” statements – instead of placing blame, describe your feelings and needs.
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Practising empathy – try to imagine the situation from another’s perspective.
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Seeking feedback – ask trusted individuals how your communication comes across.
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Choosing words carefully – avoid absolutes and dismissive phrases, shifting towards curiosity and validation.
Language not only communicates information but shapes relationships. By monitoring the way we phrase our thoughts, we become more emotionally intelligent and trustworthy.
Emotional Intelligence in Cultural Contexts
While the exact words may vary across countries and cultural settings, the underlying patterns remain the same. In the United States, direct phrases like “You’re overreacting” are common. In the United Kingdom, understatement and indirect dismissal may serve the same role. South Africa often reflects a strong group-oriented communication approach, where invalidating group concerns can severely damage trust. Regardless of geography, the principle remains: emotionally unintelligent language diminishes connection, while mindful speech strengthens it.
Conclusion: The Words We Choose Define Our Emotional Intelligence
Emotional intelligence is not about avoiding conflict or always keeping the peace. It is about recognising how emotions work, validating them, and responding thoughtfully. Phrases such as “You’re overreacting,” “It’s not a big deal,” “That’s just the way I am,” and “You always…” are not harmless mainstream expressions—they are warning signs of low emotional intelligence.
By learning better alternatives, each of us can improve in our personal and professional relationships, becoming more empathetic and effective. Harvard’s insights remind us that words are not just sentences—they are reflections of our emotional awareness.
FAQs
1. What is emotional intelligence in simple terms?
Emotional intelligence is the ability to understand, regulate, and express emotions while also recognising and respecting the emotions of others.
2. Why do people with low emotional intelligence use dismissive phrases?
They often lack self-awareness and empathy, causing them to invalidate or generalise instead of actively listening or engaging.
3. Can someone improve their emotional intelligence?
Yes, emotional intelligence can be developed through practice, active listening, empathy exercises, and seeking honest feedback.
4. Are these problematic phrases the same across all cultures?
While the wording may differ, the dismissive and invalidating tendencies behind the phrases appear universally across cultures.
5. How can improving language help in leadership?
Leadership requires building trust and inspiring others. Using emotionally intelligent language cultivates respect, fosters collaboration, and reduces conflict.
