PORTLAND (The Borowitz Report) — Former soldiers arriving in Portland this weekend under orders from former President Donald J. Trump have already traded their combat gear for guitars, giving rise to a wave of new indie bands across the city.
From Military Ranks to Music Scenes
Instead of enforcing order, troops were spotted flocking to pawn shops, swapping automatic weapons for mandolins, zithers, and secondhand harmonicas. Within hours, Portland’s already crowded music scene was flooded with fresh acts.
Flyers began appearing on bulletin boards for groups like The Kristi Nomads and Hegadeth, both drawing clear inspiration from Trump’s senior advisors. By nightfall, sidewalks that once hosted protests had become stages for impromptu jam sessions.
Also Read
Portlanders React
The influx of new bands has left longtime Portlanders divided. Some applauded the transformation, saying the city’s “weapons-to-washboards” moment was a much-needed change of pace. Others, however, expressed frustration at the sheer volume of aspiring musicians.
“We didn’t need federal troops,” said one resident, shaking his head. “But we really didn’t need more bands.”
A City Already Saturated with Music
For a city famous for its quirky, DIY culture, the sudden arrival of dozens of fresh indie outfits has tipped Portland from crowded to overflowing. Open-mic nights are reportedly booked through next spring, while the local dive bar circuit has been overwhelmed with demos and audition tapes.
Street corners that once echoed with chants and protest drums now feature harmonica duels, experimental banjo solos, and folk-punk medleys from troops-turned-troubadours.
Trump’s Plan Backfires
Trump had ordered troops into Portland claiming the city was “war ravaged” and in need of protection. Instead, his deployment sparked an unexpected music festival, frustrating supporters who had anticipated a show of strength.
“The president wanted control,” said a local observer, “but he got a sitar circle.”
What’s Next for Portland?
While it’s unclear whether these bands will outlast the weekend, locals worry the surge could permanently alter the city’s music ecosystem. Rumors are circulating of upcoming albums with titles like Marching to Mandolins and Operation Acoustic Freedom.
Whether Portland will embrace its new military-musician residents remains uncertain. But for now, the city’s sidewalks, already crowded with coffee shops and food carts, have one more defining feature: a seemingly endless supply of federal folk bands.
