A Long-Running Rivalry Settled—Sort Of
PORTLAND, OR — Years of speculation, Pride festival arguments, and rainbow-flag one-upmanship have finally culminated in a definitive verdict: Portland is the gayest city in America. A panel of travel magazine experts announced the ranking this week, putting an end to what some call the “West Coast Glitter Wars.”
But within hours of the declaration, Seattle officials lodged an official protest, claiming the results were tainted by what they described as “suspiciously flamboyant voting patterns.”
Seattle Pushes Back
Seattle, long considered Portland’s fiercest rival in the realm of queer culture, was less than gracious about its runner-up status.
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“Listen, we respect Portland’s commitment to rainbow crosswalks, drag brunches, and artisanal leather harnesses,” said Seattle mayoral spokesperson Kendra Malloy, visibly gripping a clipboard hard enough to bend it. “But if you’re telling me that a city with both Pike Place Market AND a lesbian-owned cat café doesn’t deserve the crown, then this ranking process is fundamentally flawed.”
Seattle is now demanding what it calls a “full recount,” insisting the panel overlooked its brunch scene, Capitol Hill’s enduring nightlife, and the fact that half the city’s residents can correctly pronounce the word “polycule.”
How Portland Scored the Win
The magazine’s experts measured a variety of criteria, including:
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Rainbow flags per capita
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Average length of local Pride parades
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Frequency of drag bingo nights
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Percentage of residents who own at least one pair of Doc Martens
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How quickly strangers on dating apps will ghost you after asking if you’re into polyamory
Portland reportedly set a record in the “alternative relationship energy” category, scoring 97 out of 100—narrowly edging out Seattle, San Francisco, and surprise contender Asheville, North Carolina.
“Numbers don’t lie,” said one panelist. “Portland is simply radiating queer energy at this moment in history.”
Portland Celebrates With Style
Portland officials wasted no time claiming the crown. Mayor Keith Wilson held a press conference outside a kombucha brewery, flanked by a brass band in booty shorts.
“We’ve worked hard for this,” Wilson announced. “From our 16 weekly drag bingo nights to the city-sponsored roller derby queer dance collective, this title belongs to Portland. And no, we will not be apologizing to Seattle.”
The city has even launched a new tourism campaign, shifting its slogan from “Keep Portland Weird” to “Keep Portland Weird, But Gay.”
Seattle Files Its Appeal
Seattle, meanwhile, is not backing down. Officials there have submitted a formal protest to the so-called LGBTQ+ Oversight Committee, alleging the judges failed to account for several key factors, including:
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Forty-seven breweries that host “Gay Trivia Mondays”
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A city ordinance requiring at least three Pride flags per apartment balcony in Capitol Hill
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The well-documented phenomenon of Seattle men wearing crop tops outdoors in November
“We’ve been preparing for this moment for decades,” said local resident Tyler Briggs, angrily adjusting his septum piercing. “Honestly, this feels like Florida 2000 all over again.”
San Francisco Takes Third With Grace
While the Portland-Seattle rivalry grabbed headlines, San Francisco accepted its third-place finish with characteristic flair.
“We’re retired from competing,” said one San Francisco Pride organizer, “but we’re happy to mentor Portland on the fine art of combining Pride parades with tech-sponsored afterparties. Think fewer zines, more venture capital.”
The Bigger Picture
Experts noted that while the rankings are playful, they also reflect real cultural investments cities have made in LGBTQ+ communities. Portland’s robust drag scene, inclusive nightlife, and visible queer activism contributed heavily to its score.
Seattle, despite its protest, remains a powerhouse of queer culture and advocacy, and San Francisco continues to serve as an iconic global symbol for LGBTQ+ history and rights.
Still, Portland’s victory has sparked new energy in the city’s community. “It’s not just about being the gayest,” said Mayor Wilson. “It’s about building a city where queer people can thrive, laugh, and unapologetically be themselves.”
Glitter Wars Far From Over
Whether the ranking holds or not, one thing is certain: Portland and Seattle’s friendly (and sometimes not-so-friendly) rivalry is far from finished. Both cities are already planning bigger Pride parades, flashier crosswalks, and possibly a joint “Gay-Off” to settle the matter once and for all.
For now, though, Portland wears the crown, rainbow and all—while Seattle sharpens its protest paperwork and points to its brunch menus as evidence of injustice.
