PORTLAND, Ore. — After years of deploying tear gas, rubber bullets, and pepper spray, Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) has decided to raise the stakes in crowd control. On Thursday night, officials shocked protesters outside the Portland ICE facility by releasing a pack of fully grown mountain lions into the streets.
From Pepper Spray to Predators
“Pepper spray was fine for a while,” said one ICE spokesperson, seen calmly loading raw meat into a carrier. “But people kept showing up with leaf blowers and swimming goggles. Nobody has ever brought a cougar-proof umbrella. We feel this is the logical next step.”
The move marks what ICE called a “pivot in strategy” after traditional methods failed to disband nightly demonstrations. According to officials, the cougars had been “in training” for weeks, though exactly what that entailed remains unclear.
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Protesters Caught Off Guard
Witnesses said the release began around 10:30 p.m., when the floodlights flickered on and the gates creaked open, revealing four snarling cats eager to stretch their legs after a long day in federal custody.
“The guy next to me yelled, ‘Cougars!’ and I thought he meant the ladies from Beaverton who usually show up with Chardonnay,” said one protester. “Then I saw the tails. Totally different kind of cougar.”
Within seconds, the animals scattered the crowd, chased down a few protest signs that read “Abolish ICE,” and then perched regally in the intersection, as if declaring it their domain.
Experts Sound the Alarm
Wildlife specialists expressed concern about introducing apex predators into a dense urban environment. “Cougars are solitary, territorial hunters,” one biologist explained. “Dropping them into downtown Portland isn’t crowd control, it’s nature’s version of throwing a Molotov cocktail.”
ICE officials dismissed those concerns. In a statement, the agency said: “We tried dialogue. We tried de-escalation. We even tried those sad little paintballs filled with OC spray. But nothing sends a message like forty claws and a roar that rattles your ribcage.”
Protester Countermeasures
In true Portland fashion, protesters are already adjusting. Local REI stores reported sudden spikes in sales of scratching posts, laser pointers, and industrial-strength bear spray. Some activists joked about forming “Cat Antifa,” a group dedicated to distracting the cougars with endless streams of TikTok cat videos.
Meanwhile, the big cats appear to have settled in. Reports suggest they have now claimed the ICE facility itself as their territory, forcing officers to enter the building only while carrying offerings of fresh salmon.
A New Normal in Portland
Residents say the spectacle feels strangely consistent with Portland’s reputation for eccentricity. “Honestly, this feels on brand,” sighed one exhausted neighbor. “We already had naked bike rides, drum circles, and anarchists yelling at pigeons. Cougars chasing protesters through the streets is just Thursday now.”
As for the cougars, their future role in federal policing remains uncertain. ICE officials hinted they may rotate them into other cities if successful, though critics argue that introducing large carnivores into political protests sets a dangerous precedent.
Until then, Portlanders have learned a new reality: in a city already defined by unpredictability, the phrase “release the cats” may now join the civic vocabulary.
